Hide and Follow

     I am exhausted! I have spent hours hiding from my children. Why hide? Because then I know they'll never leave my side. It never fails, you leave their sight they instantly become velcro. Ask any mother of a toddler whose tried to bathe or potty by themselves.

    It started innocently enough. I left my children doing their reading in the classroom. I was not even in my bedroom completely. The door was not even clicked shut. *knock knock knock* "Mom, what are you doing?"   I don't know, packing for Antarctica! What do you think I am doing I walked away ten seconds ago. I send Bella back to the classroom and turn to Honeybear. *knock knock knock* "Mom, are you coming back?" From Antarctica? Maybe. Let's see how it goes. I send Madison back, with stern directions to go finish her reading and I will be back shortly, making sure to include Degan who's standing exactly seven paces behind his sister.

    Thirty seconds later. *knock knock knock knockknockkno-* Whhhaaatt?! "Mom, can I go to the bathroom?"  At this precise moment I get a flashback to my school days and want to reply "I don't know can you?" But knowing how long that interaction could take, I wearily reply, "Yes, just hurry up and get back to your reading." As I watch my oldest turn I see my youngest approaching again. "Yessss?" Apparently my tone said enough cause the smile faded and she quickly turned back towards the classroom.

    Martin walks out of the bathroom and I follow him around the end of the hallway to where I can see all of them at once. "I am going in to my room to discuss the lab with your father. If anyone knocks on that door in the next two minutes, you'll do sentences instead of lab today." Utter silence.

     Two minutes later....I walk out of my room and hear giggling. No children in view. They're all hiding under the classroom table. So I spent the rest of the day hiding from them. Never had a second of piece...who'da thunk it?

Porch Meeting of the Minds

     So I am out of the corner. It didn't take long for me to go right back. The worst part is no one noticed I was gone and the tornado that is my children continued. I am absolutely mortified. Why? Because my children decided to hold an impromptu ASL (American Sign Language) lesson on the porch with their friends. How cute right? Wrong oh so wrong.

     Picture this four or five boys straddling bicycles, three girls on the porch swing, and oh maybe three more lounging or leaning on the rest of the porch.  I might have missed a kid somewhere but you get the idea. I hear giggling and two of my children's voices raised in high pitched dispute (arguing but happily disagreeing not warring.) I look out the window to see if I need to intervene, only to see all these children signing. Some crudely mimicking my children some obviously getting the finesse of the movements.

    My heart swelled at the sight. It really did. I couldn't have been prouder...until I caught the signs going around. Of course I should have known. I had already saw firsthand what happens when you have scout troops together and showcase ASL. It inevitably ends in crude funny name calling.

    So now the girls and boys of town can call each other fart heads and the like from afar. *Wipes the proud tears out her eyes* and just think my kids taught them. Let's hope the other parents don't ask what or where that came from.



Author's note: No I did not teach my children how to call each other names. They're children for pete's sake they took words they knew and combined them. It is what children do.

School time

So it's that time of year. School is back in session. Freedom is here again. Oh! Wait! My kids are homeschooled. That means hours of my life in lesson planning. Hours of preparations. Hours wasted cause as soon as I carefully plan something, thinking I have thought of all possible tangents. Ah! Even after three years I am never fully prepared. They always come up with a something I didn't anticipate!

 For example, first day back in school hours. Bella being five is now a full time classroom participant. How exciting right? Wrong.
 Me: Bella, what letter comes after A?

 Bella: None.

Madison: That's the first one in the alphabet, silly. (Here is where Bella promptly swats her sister on the head with her notebook, guessing she didn't appreciate being called silly.)

 Me: Bella, don't hit your sister!

 Bella: mumbling

Me: Excuse me young lady?

 Bella: I said I can spell my name and A is the end. And I am the world so nothing is after it.

 Me: First, you are not the center of the world. Second, the world revolves around the sun. And third, I asked what came after A in the alphabet.

 Bella: (perking up) oh well, I'm sunny. So still all me.

 Martin: Well, I'm the oldest son so I'm the center.

 Degan: Well, I'm a son too.

 Madison: (sing songy) Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, girls go to college to get more knowledge.

Me: No one is the center of the world. Nor does our universe revolve around any of you. Now who can tell me what letter comes between H and J.

 Martin: I thought girls went to Mars to eat candy bars.

 Degan: I want a candy bar.

Madison: How do you spell that?

 Bella: Mom I'm bored.

 Me: (crying quietly in the corner) It's I. It's I. I. I. I.

Yep it's school time again.

Resumes and Roosters

Whew...this city living is for the birds. How y'all do it with more than 118 people is beyond me. Today alone we've had three neighbors over. It's exhausting. The kids are enjoying having so many new friends which for the most part I am okay with. Although I am tryin' to understand where parenting became a best friends contest. Or how the concept of respect is something alien or from by gone days. The funny part is these people say they are country. Now we have been over this before. Havin' half a dozen chickens does not make you country any more than wearin' boots makes you a bronc rider. (I just made myself giggle imaginin' some of the cowboy boot wearin' people I know tryin' to saddle up let alone rough ridin'.) But then again they have nothin' but what they know to compare it to-till now that is. The looks on their faces when the kids start walkin' a goat. Bwhahahahaha. Let alone the kids wranglin' their rabbits in the front yard or kids climbin' trees or playin' with their new turtle. Then there's Honeybear and his tinkerin'. Every kid in the neighborhood brings their bikes to him. Not to mention the guys bringin' their cars, mowers, weed eaters, and other electronics over. If we charged for our services we'd be rich. You're probably wondering what services I offer since Honeybear is the tinker the kids are the entertainment, so what could I possibly offer. That's easy I offer...gossip. The currency of every good housewife. I can tell you which wife sleeps alone, which hubby is drinkin, etc. I know shocked right? Well you should be if you actually believed that. I mean really like I am that devious. Me, well really I just am the animal control apparently. We rescued two girls out of an abandoned house and now everyone tells me when another one has been dumped. So anyone who needs a dog let me know. Tell next time y'all.

Hope Springs Eternal

I am running on coffee, more coffee, and next to no sleep. No, I am not hiding the bodies. My girl Ranee inexplicably started having seizures last week and I am babysitting....and adultsitting. Out of the two I'd rather wrangle the almost two year old, cause the twenty year old is a whiny pain in my-neck, definitely neck.

Rhianna, the cherubic baby, is as I said almost two. Yesterday made me glad we stopped having babies five years ago. Yes everyone is entitled to a bad day in a stressful time, but I was ready to pull out my hair and her mama's yesterday....and she's the one I'd rather deal with! Don't get me wrong I have known Ranee since she was Madison's age. I love her like my little sister. But even sisters need space. I have a whole new level of respect for my older brother. I really ain't sure how I made it to adulthood.

 Ranee, are you hungry?

No.

 Are you sure?

 Yeah.

 I am cooking for the kids, you sure?

Yeah, I'm good.

Ten minutes later..... Sheena...would you hate me if I asked for some chicken?

 Yes! Yes! I would, will, do. *silently I rant* Thirty minutes later, sweetly "Here you go, hun." Mutters "don't choke" Need I say more?! But all I really want is her to feel better. So hope springs eternal...she'll get better, I'll get sleep, my world and her family's will be restored. Tell next time y'all.

xanax and popsicles

So you remember the Swiss? (The kids clubhouse/tree house.) Well when we moved in April they were distraught over its loss. Of course that was unacceptable for Honeybear. What's a yard without a tree house right? So the Swiss has been reborn. This time with a balcony and solar lights. (I would say its particularly helpful in being overrun with the neighborhood kids.) Its already held several sleep overs and is definitely helping keep our medicine cabinet full of off and benedryl gel. And even had a new neighbor hollering for his wife to watch Hercules climb in it. We have unanimously been voted the coolest parents in the neighborhood (according to a gaggle of girls painting their nails around my table.) And the crazy brave ones by the other parents. When asked our secret to sanity in this madhouse I smile serenely and reply Xanax and popsicles. One for me and one for the kids, now if I could just keep the kids out of my popsicles.

Hey guys miss me?

Hey guys....alright has the hysterical happiness subsided? I know years right? You feel betrayed but I promise there's not another blog. In the past two years I fought a life threatening illness, and recently moved from our homestead. Oh My Gosh, right? But no worries we found a hillbilly "town". Heck we even kept a goat for the backyard. The kids, being the unsocialized homeschoolers they are, have made us the town hot spot. (With a population of 118 calling ourselves a town makes even the oldest residents smile.) I thought having our wild menagerie and four kids running in and out was exhausting. Now I have to do three head counts before cooking. One to see, two to double check, and the third to cry and laugh myself to sleep depending. At this point we're expecting child support for a couple of them. Their parents have every other weekend visitation rights and we're working on the holiday schedule now. Oh look its feeding time at the zoo gotta go for now, but I promise to see y'all real soon.