My girlfriend at A Belle, A Beane, and A Chicago Dog wrote a post earlier that reminded me of a few of my earlier posts about Motherhood (shouldn't that always be capitalized to show its importance?) Her youngest started school and she was talking about the next step of motherhood.She put it so well, better than I had defined it ever. Actually Cameron Garriepy was talking about sending her baby off to school too. But it got me to thinking about the step I am on....early puberty.
We are a family of genetically mutated early bloomers. Honeybear had a full beard in ninth grade. I, er, blossomed by fifth grade and apparently our offspring is following suit. So what do I get. Proven a liar. I said puppy pms was training me for this. HA! I can't imagine the giggles mothers of teenagers got reading that. I had no idea what I was in for.
Case in point. I thought Madison would be sweet and quiet when hormones started surging. Once again I say HA! My daughter who wouldn't say boo to a ghost, is a raging sassy britches. Quick to correct and throw sarcasm at anyone in her path. Where she got that I'll never know. Example: Her friends said Madison I think your getting bigger your pants aren't falling down. (Okay that sounds bad from her friend but Madison is notorious for having problems with being so skinny that leggings start to sag on the girl.) Her reply: Hmmm I hadn't noticed maybe they'll get so tight I can't walk like yours. Yeah my jaw dropped too. Her little foursome of best friends had been picking on her skinniness for a week straight and she never said a word. I couldn't believe my ears.
Martin isn't much better. His buddy Ty is 13 (Lord help us) and about as all American and adorable as Devon Sawa was in my day. Unfortunately he is a boy left to his own devices a lot. And his girlfriend lives up the road, at 14 she is no angel. They tend to stand across from our yard making out for all the world to see. Actually the 10-14 age group kids around here are all nuts switching "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" every couple of days or weeks. My kids so far being the exception, but we have told them and their little friends you're too young and you never date a friends sibling. (Smart move for us, they're friends with everyone so they'll never date. Here I will say HA! in a different tone.) But Martin taking exception to walking out our door to the sight of them again hollered, "What are you cannibals?! Go eat each other somewhere else." To which the girl then thoroughly cursed him up one side and down the other. (As I said no angel.)
I at least have been spared verbal assault. But their sneakiness and temper tantrums with each other I have to intercede quite a bit. I wonder daily where those sweet little children who taught their brother and sister to tie their shoes, ride bikes, and write their names went...along with my groceries. They're all bottomless pits it seems. I wrote a new ad (if you remember I wrote out help wanted ads for motherhood in my post Wanted)
Wanted: Someone who is deaf to slamming doors, insults, and meltdowns. Must feed an army on scraps, cause one soldier ate a weeks groceries at one sitting. Be able to soothe hurt feelings, and take no sides while strategically teaching life lessons. Quick on your feet a must. Tolerance of dirty looks not necessary. Rocket scientist with minor in philosophy would be helpful but not absolutely necessary. Nerves of steel helpful. Basically a war hardened general that is a genius please only apply.
HA! Good luck finding that.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
RIP Norbie sorta
Norbert is our dragon. Yes, I said dragon. He is the friendliest, funnest reptile you would ever meet. The kids love him. And believe it or not he shows he loves them in return. Hard to believe I know he is a cold blooded creature.
Norbie used to sit on the table through school hours. After school he would nudge hands for his treats, follow the kids with his eyes, try and jump from the table to follow them out of the room. (Cause goodness knows I am chopped liver.) So can a reptile show affection, yes I believe so.
He had came to us "fully grown" (I use quotation marks cause like so many of our other rescues he was malnourished among other things.) He has made it far for such an animal. He never reached a normal size but he was still amazing. And at this point geriatric. His age at time of rescue was given as 5. That was 7 years ago. Given that people tend to lie when giving up an animal Norbie could have been anywhere from 3 to 6. So that puts Norbie in the same level of geriatrics of Sid's grandmother in Ice Age.
Why am I telling you all this? Norbie has gone to that great habitat in the sky. Two nights ago I went to turn off Norbie's light and he was on his side. Poor guy. He had been going down hill for a few months now. We knew it was coming. Life span is 8-10 and Norbie was definitely over the limit. I called Honeybear over. He wrapped Norbie in a baby blanket and tied him in two trash bags. We wanted to let the kids say good bye and make him a marker.
The next morning the bag was on the floor. Thinking maybe Norbie was just deeply hibernating instead of dead we checked him. Unfortunately no change. So we placed him back on the shelf and tried to make everything to prepare him. Except when we went to get him for burial. He was gone! Honeybear and I conferred quickly and decided the most logical explanation was it being trash day one of the kids had unknowingly discarded him.Upon questioning it the boys confirmed throwing a bag out from the classroom. Case closed. And we went on about our business upset but what are you going to do.
That was yesterday. This morning we are going about our morning routine. I walk over to let a dog out and turn around....and there's Norbie walking across the floor. What the heck!?!? So Norbie rested in peace and now is refreshed. We have a zombie dragon according to the kids. *sigh* Only at our house.
Norbie used to sit on the table through school hours. After school he would nudge hands for his treats, follow the kids with his eyes, try and jump from the table to follow them out of the room. (Cause goodness knows I am chopped liver.) So can a reptile show affection, yes I believe so.
He had came to us "fully grown" (I use quotation marks cause like so many of our other rescues he was malnourished among other things.) He has made it far for such an animal. He never reached a normal size but he was still amazing. And at this point geriatric. His age at time of rescue was given as 5. That was 7 years ago. Given that people tend to lie when giving up an animal Norbie could have been anywhere from 3 to 6. So that puts Norbie in the same level of geriatrics of Sid's grandmother in Ice Age.
Why am I telling you all this? Norbie has gone to that great habitat in the sky. Two nights ago I went to turn off Norbie's light and he was on his side. Poor guy. He had been going down hill for a few months now. We knew it was coming. Life span is 8-10 and Norbie was definitely over the limit. I called Honeybear over. He wrapped Norbie in a baby blanket and tied him in two trash bags. We wanted to let the kids say good bye and make him a marker.
The next morning the bag was on the floor. Thinking maybe Norbie was just deeply hibernating instead of dead we checked him. Unfortunately no change. So we placed him back on the shelf and tried to make everything to prepare him. Except when we went to get him for burial. He was gone! Honeybear and I conferred quickly and decided the most logical explanation was it being trash day one of the kids had unknowingly discarded him.Upon questioning it the boys confirmed throwing a bag out from the classroom. Case closed. And we went on about our business upset but what are you going to do.
That was yesterday. This morning we are going about our morning routine. I walk over to let a dog out and turn around....and there's Norbie walking across the floor. What the heck!?!? So Norbie rested in peace and now is refreshed. We have a zombie dragon according to the kids. *sigh* Only at our house.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Mother's curse
I got an urgent text today. My mother..."Sheena...please blog." Yes mama. I will get on that. Teaching your grandchildren, but I will do that after I am done. Couple hours later another text comes in. My mother again. "Still waiting...." At the in laws for Honeybear's birthday let me get home and I will do it. "ooo okay"
I notice as I make her wait the message gets shorter and capitalization and the punctuation goes bye bye.
By the time I get this up I am likely to get this "gr".
At least at this point her communication skills will be so lacking and she'll be so put out I won't get a lecture right? Nah it will probably just transfer to my daddy being the one to "talk some sense into me". Lol.
Everyone knows what I am talking about. Everyone has that moment. You have annoyed the calm parent to the point they turn it over to the stern one. You are now assuming the position. Puppy eyes cast to the floor, shoulders slumped in contrition.
At this point you are casting dubious glances upwards to see just how bad it is. If you see arms crossed and leaning against a counter nonchalantly RRRUUUNNNNN! You are so busted. If you see a twinkle and non crossed arms you might survive.
My brother was a master of getting out of either situation. His magic key? Make mom laugh. He could accidentally detonate an atom bomb but if he made mom giggle he was good. Me? Mehhh not so lucky. Usually cause I would not admit defeat. But hey come on points for gumption right? And what was that curse bestowed on me by my mother...."Just wait someday you'll see. You'll have a kid just like you." I must have been horrible. Karma didn't give me one it gave me four!!!
I notice as I make her wait the message gets shorter and capitalization and the punctuation goes bye bye.
By the time I get this up I am likely to get this "gr".
At least at this point her communication skills will be so lacking and she'll be so put out I won't get a lecture right? Nah it will probably just transfer to my daddy being the one to "talk some sense into me". Lol.
Everyone knows what I am talking about. Everyone has that moment. You have annoyed the calm parent to the point they turn it over to the stern one. You are now assuming the position. Puppy eyes cast to the floor, shoulders slumped in contrition.
At this point you are casting dubious glances upwards to see just how bad it is. If you see arms crossed and leaning against a counter nonchalantly RRRUUUNNNNN! You are so busted. If you see a twinkle and non crossed arms you might survive.
My brother was a master of getting out of either situation. His magic key? Make mom laugh. He could accidentally detonate an atom bomb but if he made mom giggle he was good. Me? Mehhh not so lucky. Usually cause I would not admit defeat. But hey come on points for gumption right? And what was that curse bestowed on me by my mother...."Just wait someday you'll see. You'll have a kid just like you." I must have been horrible. Karma didn't give me one it gave me four!!!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Hide and Follow
I am exhausted! I have spent hours hiding from my children. Why hide? Because then I know they'll never leave my side. It never fails, you leave their sight they instantly become velcro. Ask any mother of a toddler whose tried to bathe or potty by themselves.
It started innocently enough. I left my children doing their reading in the classroom. I was not even in my bedroom completely. The door was not even clicked shut. *knock knock knock* "Mom, what are you doing?" I don't know, packing for Antarctica! What do you think I am doing I walked away ten seconds ago. I send Bella back to the classroom and turn to Honeybear. *knock knock knock* "Mom, are you coming back?" From Antarctica? Maybe. Let's see how it goes. I send Madison back, with stern directions to go finish her reading and I will be back shortly, making sure to include Degan who's standing exactly seven paces behind his sister.
Thirty seconds later. *knock knock knock knockknockkno-* Whhhaaatt?! "Mom, can I go to the bathroom?" At this precise moment I get a flashback to my school days and want to reply "I don't know can you?" But knowing how long that interaction could take, I wearily reply, "Yes, just hurry up and get back to your reading." As I watch my oldest turn I see my youngest approaching again. "Yessss?" Apparently my tone said enough cause the smile faded and she quickly turned back towards the classroom.
Martin walks out of the bathroom and I follow him around the end of the hallway to where I can see all of them at once. "I am going in to my room to discuss the lab with your father. If anyone knocks on that door in the next two minutes, you'll do sentences instead of lab today." Utter silence.
Two minutes later....I walk out of my room and hear giggling. No children in view. They're all hiding under the classroom table. So I spent the rest of the day hiding from them. Never had a second of piece...who'da thunk it?
It started innocently enough. I left my children doing their reading in the classroom. I was not even in my bedroom completely. The door was not even clicked shut. *knock knock knock* "Mom, what are you doing?" I don't know, packing for Antarctica! What do you think I am doing I walked away ten seconds ago. I send Bella back to the classroom and turn to Honeybear. *knock knock knock* "Mom, are you coming back?" From Antarctica? Maybe. Let's see how it goes. I send Madison back, with stern directions to go finish her reading and I will be back shortly, making sure to include Degan who's standing exactly seven paces behind his sister.
Thirty seconds later. *knock knock knock knockknockkno-* Whhhaaatt?! "Mom, can I go to the bathroom?" At this precise moment I get a flashback to my school days and want to reply "I don't know can you?" But knowing how long that interaction could take, I wearily reply, "Yes, just hurry up and get back to your reading." As I watch my oldest turn I see my youngest approaching again. "Yessss?" Apparently my tone said enough cause the smile faded and she quickly turned back towards the classroom.
Martin walks out of the bathroom and I follow him around the end of the hallway to where I can see all of them at once. "I am going in to my room to discuss the lab with your father. If anyone knocks on that door in the next two minutes, you'll do sentences instead of lab today." Utter silence.
Two minutes later....I walk out of my room and hear giggling. No children in view. They're all hiding under the classroom table. So I spent the rest of the day hiding from them. Never had a second of piece...who'da thunk it?
Friday, August 16, 2013
Porch Meeting of the Minds
So I am out of the corner. It didn't take long for me to go right back. The worst part is no one noticed I was gone and the tornado that is my children continued. I am absolutely mortified. Why? Because my children decided to hold an impromptu ASL (American Sign Language) lesson on the porch with their friends. How cute right? Wrong oh so wrong.
Picture this four or five boys straddling bicycles, three girls on the porch swing, and oh maybe three more lounging or leaning on the rest of the porch. I might have missed a kid somewhere but you get the idea. I hear giggling and two of my children's voices raised in high pitched dispute (arguing but happily disagreeing not warring.) I look out the window to see if I need to intervene, only to see all these children signing. Some crudely mimicking my children some obviously getting the finesse of the movements.
My heart swelled at the sight. It really did. I couldn't have been prouder...until I caught the signs going around. Of course I should have known. I had already saw firsthand what happens when you have scout troops together and showcase ASL. It inevitably ends in crude funny name calling.
So now the girls and boys of town can call each other fart heads and the like from afar. *Wipes the proud tears out her eyes* and just think my kids taught them. Let's hope the other parents don't ask what or where that came from.
Author's note: No I did not teach my children how to call each other names. They're children for pete's sake they took words they knew and combined them. It is what children do.
Picture this four or five boys straddling bicycles, three girls on the porch swing, and oh maybe three more lounging or leaning on the rest of the porch. I might have missed a kid somewhere but you get the idea. I hear giggling and two of my children's voices raised in high pitched dispute (arguing but happily disagreeing not warring.) I look out the window to see if I need to intervene, only to see all these children signing. Some crudely mimicking my children some obviously getting the finesse of the movements.
My heart swelled at the sight. It really did. I couldn't have been prouder...until I caught the signs going around. Of course I should have known. I had already saw firsthand what happens when you have scout troops together and showcase ASL. It inevitably ends in crude funny name calling.
So now the girls and boys of town can call each other fart heads and the like from afar. *Wipes the proud tears out her eyes* and just think my kids taught them. Let's hope the other parents don't ask what or where that came from.
Author's note: No I did not teach my children how to call each other names. They're children for pete's sake they took words they knew and combined them. It is what children do.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
School time
So it's that time of year. School is back in session. Freedom is here again. Oh! Wait! My kids are homeschooled. That means hours of my life in lesson planning. Hours of preparations. Hours wasted cause as soon as I carefully plan something, thinking I have thought of all possible tangents. Ah! Even after three years I am never fully prepared. They always come up with a something I didn't anticipate!
For example, first day back in school hours. Bella being five is now a full time classroom participant. How exciting right? Wrong.
Me: Bella, what letter comes after A?
Bella: None.
Madison: That's the first one in the alphabet, silly. (Here is where Bella promptly swats her sister on the head with her notebook, guessing she didn't appreciate being called silly.)
Me: Bella, don't hit your sister!
Bella: mumbling
Me: Excuse me young lady?
Bella: I said I can spell my name and A is the end. And I am the world so nothing is after it.
Me: First, you are not the center of the world. Second, the world revolves around the sun. And third, I asked what came after A in the alphabet.
Bella: (perking up) oh well, I'm sunny. So still all me.
Martin: Well, I'm the oldest son so I'm the center.
Degan: Well, I'm a son too.
Madison: (sing songy) Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, girls go to college to get more knowledge.
Me: No one is the center of the world. Nor does our universe revolve around any of you. Now who can tell me what letter comes between H and J.
Martin: I thought girls went to Mars to eat candy bars.
Degan: I want a candy bar.
Madison: How do you spell that?
Bella: Mom I'm bored.
Me: (crying quietly in the corner) It's I. It's I. I. I. I.
Yep it's school time again.
For example, first day back in school hours. Bella being five is now a full time classroom participant. How exciting right? Wrong.
Me: Bella, what letter comes after A?
Bella: None.
Madison: That's the first one in the alphabet, silly. (Here is where Bella promptly swats her sister on the head with her notebook, guessing she didn't appreciate being called silly.)
Me: Bella, don't hit your sister!
Bella: mumbling
Me: Excuse me young lady?
Bella: I said I can spell my name and A is the end. And I am the world so nothing is after it.
Me: First, you are not the center of the world. Second, the world revolves around the sun. And third, I asked what came after A in the alphabet.
Bella: (perking up) oh well, I'm sunny. So still all me.
Martin: Well, I'm the oldest son so I'm the center.
Degan: Well, I'm a son too.
Madison: (sing songy) Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider, girls go to college to get more knowledge.
Me: No one is the center of the world. Nor does our universe revolve around any of you. Now who can tell me what letter comes between H and J.
Martin: I thought girls went to Mars to eat candy bars.
Degan: I want a candy bar.
Madison: How do you spell that?
Bella: Mom I'm bored.
Me: (crying quietly in the corner) It's I. It's I. I. I. I.
Yep it's school time again.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Resumes and Roosters
Whew...this city living is for the birds. How y'all do it with more than 118 people is beyond me. Today alone we've had three neighbors over. It's exhausting. The kids are enjoying having so many new friends which for the most part I am okay with. Although I am tryin' to understand where parenting became a best friends contest. Or how the concept of respect is something alien or from by gone days.
The funny part is these people say they are country. Now we have been over this before. Havin' half a dozen chickens does not make you country any more than wearin' boots makes you a bronc rider. (I just made myself giggle imaginin' some of the cowboy boot wearin' people I know tryin' to saddle up let alone rough ridin'.)
But then again they have nothin' but what they know to compare it to-till now that is. The looks on their faces when the kids start walkin' a goat. Bwhahahahaha. Let alone the kids wranglin' their rabbits in the front yard or kids climbin' trees or playin' with their new turtle.
Then there's Honeybear and his tinkerin'. Every kid in the neighborhood brings their bikes to him. Not to mention the guys bringin' their cars, mowers, weed eaters, and other electronics over. If we charged for our services we'd be rich.
You're probably wondering what services I offer since Honeybear is the tinker the kids are the entertainment, so what could I possibly offer. That's easy I offer...gossip. The currency of every good housewife. I can tell you which wife sleeps alone, which hubby is drinkin, etc.
I know shocked right? Well you should be if you actually believed that. I mean really like I am that devious. Me, well really I just am the animal control apparently. We rescued two girls out of an abandoned house and now everyone tells me when another one has been dumped. So anyone who needs a dog let me know. Tell next time y'all.
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