Thursday, September 23, 2010


Has anyone ever considered the exact qualifications to be a perfect mama? The qualifications change as the child grows so lets look at what a help wanted ad might look like for a newborn mommy.

Position available-Must run on two hours sleep, wake up at the sound of a sigh, and be able to navigate in the dark without waking up hubby. Be able to take ten second showers while baby dozes. Understand differences in pain, hunger, tired, and bored cries. Be able to clean house while carrying sleeping infant without waking, and catch all spit up on clothing without cringing. Days off are unavailable till six months of age when you're finally willing to let hubby take over for a ten minute shower. Will consider a pedatrician or ER doctor.

Now of course this beautiful baby will change into a crawling or walking toddler. One with an appetite and chewing habits of a puppy. So of course another ad will need to be placed.

Wanted- Flexible woman needed, should be able to run all day on left overs and coffee. Must have six sets of hands able to catch a falling knick knack, pull a toddler from a shelf, and remove the antique chess piece from said toddlers mouth and hands. Quick reflexes, and psychic abilities a must. Must not mind no space in bed, also no covers, and of course crumbs from graham crackers as well. Vacations available when you can replace yourself with your own mother.

Now of course this stage lasts for maybe a year, but then you reach that awe inspiring pre-school stage. Where you now must not only care for your beautiful child but become their teacher as well.

Seeking- A smart, loving, eager to teach woman. College Education a must, masters desired, bachelors acceptable. Be able to equally teach and keep a child interested. Playing on the floor, and outside with heavy lifting required. Balanced education plan sought must be able to teach basics along with music, arts, foreign language, sports, and morals. Multi-tasking may be required as a new bundle of joy is joining us soon (or has already joined). Will expect child prepped for college by the fall.

Now this is as far as I have gotten cause after the third one I started drinking heavily and most days are just a blur. (Kidding, seriously I don't drink.) But after this point my qualifications are quite different than normal so I am not sure exactly the guidelines for mamas now. But I will take a shot at it. But teenagers are waaay out of my scope so it ends with elementary schoolers.

Desperately Seeking- Someone to help with homework, need answers to the chapters on Civil War, Earth Science, and fractions. Able to look through walls and stop children in their tracks. Eyes in the back of the head to see what animal is being snuck into bed. Eat only once a day, and manage to sneak vegetables into cookies. Look a child straight in the eyes and finish an arguement with "Because I said". Also bonus in it if you can track down Everyone Else's mother and kill her without witnesses or leaving a trail behind.

That last one would be mentioned in the interview, wouldn't want to leave a trail behind.


  1. While I knew that was what the job came with, I would never have applied if I'd seen it all written down like that.

  2. It really makes you think doesn't it. :)

  3. my kids aren't old enough to worry about civil war questions yet. :)

    and i'd like to say that i usually cook something that purposely provides leftovers. yummy!


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